When you have no energy to write. What I’m doing to revive my spark.

 I let go of my self-publishing dreams two years ago. 

No doubt it was 2020, and COVID-19 was raging around the world, so my judgement may be impacted by that. But in truth, it was a decision that was building up for years. 

Life gets to you. And life really got to me since 2018, when I left the comforts of my day job in a dying industry to carve what I thought was a new, exciting one in digital marketing.

The struggle to establish myself in a new niche was more daunting than I thought. I endured toxic jobs, crammed massive amounts of knowledge and struggled to maintain a foothold in impatient corporations that were more than willing to toss you out if you couldn’t catch up.

As I struggled with these challenges, writing stories about spaceships and aliens faded into the background. The worry of putting food on the table and saving enough for retirement was all-consuming. 

And then the pandemic hit. I found myself without a job like thousands around the world (though of my own choosing — long story) and having to grapple with lockdowns, social distancing, isolation and family health crises. 

I wish this was a “10 things to do if you don’t feel like writing” post. But I have no easy answers except to share my experience as I try to revive my dying flame of creativity.

Overcoming my mental blocks

When I think about my space opera series, I still get twinges of the happiness I used to have when I first built the world. But the moment I think about what’s involved to get my work out there — the high editing fees that I probably can’t afford, the arduous revisions, the promotion and marketing I’d have to do, my enthusiasm deflates like a popped balloon.

Like most authors, I don’t enjoy these activities. Especially when your day job is marketing! You’d think that it’ll be easy to do marketing stuff in your free time, but this is like working all the time without a break. Fiction writing becomes work, not a fun escape.

It came to a point where I couldn’t listen to my favourite self-publishing podcasts — Self Publishing Show or The Creative Penn. I even told friends to stop sending me self-publishing marketing articles because all these were triggering the guilt and despair of not being able to act on my dreams.

Each time I open the pages of my unfinished novel, I’m filled with the crushing sense of failure. And pressure. So much pressure! The “musts” that invade my mind as I try to just complete the story — you must market this. You must advertise. You must, must must. My eye on self-publishing success, although I’ve given up on ever achieving it, is still ever present.

And I have so little mental energy these days.

My day job takes an immense amount of energy. So much so that none is left at the end of the day, and all I could do is flop on the couch, exhausted and turn on Netflix.

I feel like a failure for not even having the energy to pen a sentence. I’ve tried to overcome my mental energy problem with various productivity hacks, but no luck.

Times like these I reread Kristin Kathyrn Rusch’s article, When to Stop Writing where she says, “If you’re a driven person and writing has been at the heart of that drive, not writing is a terrible thing to go through. You can push through it—sometimes. But you can’t always. Sometimes you have to rest. Sometimes you have to let the brain adjust to the new reality, whatever it is.”

I would say I’d have to adjust to many new realities in the last few years!

Becca Syme of Strengths for Writers has an explanation for my lack of energy to write, saying that while life’s dramas fueled some personalities to write, there are others who are so drained by them that the creative faucet runs dry.

My writing retreat

I am the latter, and I’ve grown to accept that.

I’m in a much better place now, but the tough years of 2018-2020 still haunt me, and I am still burnt around the edges. Fortunately, I’m now able to live my ideal life while earning a good salary (touch wood) and I’m now working on reviving my dying creative flame. Here’s what I’ve been doing:

Putting aside the pressure to earn

I put a lot of pressure on myself, so I’m still avoiding podcasts that scream, “you got to do this or that to succeed”. I’m avoiding anxiety-provoking articles that yell, “If you don’t do this your books will never sell.” My aim now is to regain the love and sense of fun I used to have when creating and writing new worlds. I’m pushing aside thoughts of monetary success for now, as they don’t seem to motivate me but crush my creativity instead.

Allow myself to dream again

Not of self-publishing success but of my characters’ stories. I have a soundtrack for each one of my characters. Each time I put it on, my mind dreams up new possibilities for them. I go for long walks while listening to their songs, watching them live their lives like an observer.

Absorb inspiring stories

Some writers say that TV is a distraction and should be eliminated so you can write better. For me, TV shows and movies are food. I’ve been watching shows such as Star Trek: Picard, Dune, the Marvel movies to give me creative food to fuel my stories. 

Set my stories free

I have a feeling that I am such a rebel that I want to do things the opposite of what people recommend. The tried and tested method of being a self-published author don’t seem to appeal to me. I realise what fuels my writing is not just money (money is always nice, isn’t it?). It is community.

I began my writing life writing fiction online, posting them chapter by chapter in my website or online portals. Free. I used to get such a thrill seeing a reader comment on the chapter. This connection with my readers is something I miss dearly.

People are still doing this online, posting chapter by chapter in places such as Royal Road. Webnovels are hugely properly in Asia, and it’s such a pity it has not caught on in the West, because there’s such creative freedom in being able to write this way. Nevertheless, I’m exploring it despite the ardent naysayers, setting my novel free on the Internet. There are opportunities to monetise using this method, but I’m trying not to think about them too much right now.

Taking good care of myself

During the hard years of 2018 to 2020, everything seemed so uncertain. My future, my career prospects, certainly my income. During this time I really envied married friends who could rely on their other halfs to take care of the financial matters while they take time off to do something creative.

The burden of my survival lies solidly on my shoulders, and mine alone. So I put my head down to do just that. I was in survival mode, even if I didn’t realise it at the time. 

I compromised a lot. I lived in a cramped, roach-infested apartment because I could pay cheap rent. I ate junk food because it was easy and preparing healthy meals seemed arduous. I barely exercised because it was far easier to flop down on a couch and watch TV.

Late 2021, I started prioritising myself, starting with a 2-month sojourn in the lovely island of Penang, living by the beach. Then, I left my awful apartment and moved into a lovely walk-up apartment with really reasonable rent. It’s on top of a hill. Now, my mornings are filled with birdsong instead of screaming toddlers. My balcony has become a haven to rest, meditate, read and write. In fact, I’m typing this in my balcony, which has wooden floors and is surrounded by beautiful green plants.

I cook most of my meals now, taking pains to ensure they are not processed but are all natural. I exercise every morning if I can, taking walks on roads lined with old, giant trees.

Recently I spoke to a friend, who is on the same road of trying to get herself motivated to start her creative venture. Both of us promised to get our work out there this year.

That’s a promise I’m making myself this year — to get my work out there, pushing aside dreams of glory and self-publishing success … and to regain my joy in creating worlds again.

Wish me luck.

Elizabeth Tai writes Science Fiction as Tai Weiland. For more, visit http://taiweiland.weebly.com/