There’s a common belief around that if God
wants you to do something he’ll open the doors for you. Conversely, if he
doesn’t want you to do it, he’ll shut them.
If this is true, I’m not sure God’s met
many writers.
Perhaps I’ve understood it wrong all these
years, but the idea seems to be that if everything works out smoothly and
easily, it’s obviously God’s will. If it’s not that simple, perhaps he’s saying
‘no’.
Since day dot I’ve wanted to be a writer.
But to do it, I’ve had to beat down a lot of doors and find alternative
entrances. Sometimes I’ve even had to sneak under fences and scratch through
bushes to get in.
Take for example, my novel Invisible. To
even find the time to write it, I had to seriously reorganize my life and make
difficult choices about not mopping floors and such. (Actually, that particular
decision probably wasn’t that difficult…) More than not, putting the words onto
the screen felt like torture. If I’d been using a pen I would have tried to
poke my own eyes out. (It’s not so easy to do that kind of damage with a
keyboard.)
Once it was written, the really hard work
began. Agents didn’t bother replying to my query letters. The manuscript was
rejected by every Australian publisher except one and every rejection was like
a punch in the stomach. The publisher who didn’t reject it, didn’t accept it.
But they did suggest I rewrite it. So I did that. Twice. Then they said, ‘yes,
we like it’ and then they said, ‘sorry, no, we don’t’.
Bam.
A year after I’d finished it, it looked
like Invisible was done for. In desperation I decided to do what I then
considered the unthinkable - publish it myself. So I did the work and put it
out there for free on all the places you can download e-books.
At that point all I could see was the
closed doors and the very large sledgehammer I was wielding.
And then I started to feel guilty.
Should I be spending all this time writing?
In fact, should I be writing fiction at
all? Was it just a vanity thing? Did God really want me to be doing something
else? Like sticking to Christian non-fiction. Or starting an orphanage. Or
working against climate change. Or maybe just doing a better job of organizing
Sunday School.
But then, people started to download and
read Invisible. And the letters started to come in.
For one girl with dyslexia, it was the
first book she’d ever read start to finish. For another, it gave her courage to
stand up and find her own voice. One 70 year old woman told me it opened up old
wounds from her childhood but in a healing way.
And then a Christian teenager who had been
struggling for a long time read it with her dad. She loved it so much that she
went out and bought a journal to write down her feelings in, just like the main
character, Jazmine. When she brought it home, she turned it over to see that
the name ‘Jasmine’ was written on the back.
“I think that’s God saying that He’s with
you,” said her dad. I think he was right.
That email was important for me. It means
God is using my work and my writing, even though I haven’t been sure about it
and even despite the many locked and bolted doors.
So I feel affirmed. And I’ll also continue
to break down barriers and find ways to do what I’m passionate about, even if
it seems like the doors aren’t wide ‘open’.
(Actually, I’m always telling my kids to
shut the doors because they let in the flies and mosquitoes. Perhaps there’s
something in that…)
Cecily
Paterson is the author of the award-winning memoir Love Tears & Autism and
is currently working on her third novel for young teenage girls.