The Write Inventions!

Okay. In all seriousness, it's time we got serious about this writing business.
It's time we showed the world that we've got what it takes; not just to churn out the words, edit a tidy phrase and stimulate the imagination. We need to mechanise our processes. Speed up our production. Streamline and safeguard our creativity from the booby traps that come our way. In this age of gadgets, phones and umpteen numbers of electrical kitchen appliances I proclaim that it's the writer's turn. It's time for some serious inventing of just the write type!

For example why can't we have a DASDAS (Digital Anxiety and Self Doubt Analysis System)? You know those pegs they put on your fingers in hospital to asses the oxygen levels in your blood? Well, a DASDAS works on a similar principle. You insert your finger, ultra shiny light (please excuse the technical jargon) retrieves information from your blood relating to levels of genuine anxiety and avoidable self doubt. Writers are then able to quickly assess if their feelings of "Why bother!? Your writing is gobbly-gook!" are to be justifiably heeded, or pushed aside. A DASDAS is guarantees to speed up the writing process, eliminate otherwise unnecessary supplies of chocolate and keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear her say "Do you really think I'm a good writer?"one more time....!).

Another top seller would be the Author Facadrobe. Based on similar physics principles as the time machine and Mary Poppins' handbag, the Author Facadrobe is an adult sized, conveniently foldable pouch which upon entry turns the nail biting, bed-head, fashion oblivious writer into a snazzy, self assured, dressed-to-impress author. Useful for speaking engagements, school visits and book launches this invention takes the worry out of all public author appearances. There are, of course a variety of settings ranging from 'Casual and Carefree' to 'Professional Prominence'. This invention will streamline all speaking events, reduce cost on panicked purchases and keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear her say "Are you sure this skirt doesn't make me look boring?" one more time....!).

And what about the Never Too Busy Headband? This trendily packaged invention promises to take the hard slogged hours of a busy writer (who also happens to be a parent, cook, gardener, taxi driver, waiter, secretary and toilet cleaner) and multiplies them by factors of 3, 6 and 287 depending on the need. Worn on the head, and covered in neutral coloured hair fibres, this devise sucks ideas straight from the brain. Then, with technology similar to the scanning ability of a smart phone, these ideas are sorted. Dialogue is formatted, characters built, grammar is checked on thought and plot substance mapped. Files can then be downloaded directly to the writer's computer and immediately accessed. This invention ensures optimum power from writer multi-tasking, allows almost effortless plotting and character construction and promises to keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear him say "If only I had more time for my novel!" one more time....!).

And this is only the beginning! The Write Inventions are going to revolutionise the way we work. Authors will be winning awards left, right and centre brain. We'll be selling novels like they're iphones. And all this while doing the most important - keeping our spouses sane!

Penny Reeve is a children's author currently living with her family in Western Sydney. This week she hopes to begin planning gifts for Christmas, bake a pumpkin pie and try to live against the trend of being far too busy!