Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Write Inventions!

Okay. In all seriousness, it's time we got serious about this writing business.
It's time we showed the world that we've got what it takes; not just to churn out the words, edit a tidy phrase and stimulate the imagination. We need to mechanise our processes. Speed up our production. Streamline and safeguard our creativity from the booby traps that come our way. In this age of gadgets, phones and umpteen numbers of electrical kitchen appliances I proclaim that it's the writer's turn. It's time for some serious inventing of just the write type!


For example why can't we have a DASDAS (Digital Anxiety and Self Doubt Analysis System)? You know those pegs they put on your fingers in hospital to asses the oxygen levels in your blood? Well, a DASDAS works on a similar principle. You insert your finger, ultra shiny light (please excuse the technical jargon) retrieves information from your blood relating to levels of genuine anxiety and avoidable self doubt. Writers are then able to quickly assess if their feelings of "Why bother!? Your writing is gobbly-gook!" are to be justifiably heeded, or pushed aside. A DASDAS is guarantees to speed up the writing process, eliminate otherwise unnecessary supplies of chocolate and keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear her say "Do you really think I'm a good writer?"one more time....!).

Another top seller would be the Author Facadrobe. Based on similar physics principles as the time machine and Mary Poppins' handbag, the Author Facadrobe is an adult sized, conveniently foldable pouch which upon entry turns the nail biting, bed-head, fashion oblivious writer into a snazzy, self assured, dressed-to-impress author. Useful for speaking engagements, school visits and book launches this invention takes the worry out of all public author appearances. There are, of course a variety of settings ranging from 'Casual and Carefree' to 'Professional Prominence'. This invention will streamline all speaking events, reduce cost on panicked purchases and keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear her say "Are you sure this skirt doesn't make me look boring?" one more time....!).

And what about the Never Too Busy Headband? This trendily packaged invention promises to take the hard slogged hours of a busy writer (who also happens to be a parent, cook, gardener, taxi driver, waiter, secretary and toilet cleaner) and multiplies them by factors of 3, 6 and 287 depending on the need. Worn on the head, and covered in neutral coloured hair fibres, this devise sucks ideas straight from the brain. Then, with technology similar to the scanning ability of a smart phone, these ideas are sorted. Dialogue is formatted, characters built, grammar is checked on thought and plot substance mapped. Files can then be downloaded directly to the writer's computer and immediately accessed. This invention ensures optimum power from writer multi-tasking, allows almost effortless plotting and character construction and promises to keep writers' spouses sane (If I hear him say "If only I had more time for my novel!" one more time....!).

And this is only the beginning! The Write Inventions are going to revolutionise the way we work. Authors will be winning awards left, right and centre brain. We'll be selling novels like they're iphones. And all this while doing the most important - keeping our spouses sane!




Penny Reeve is a children's author currently living with her family in Western Sydney. This week she hopes to begin planning gifts for Christmas, bake a pumpkin pie and try to live against the trend of being far too busy!


18 comments:

  1. Penny, I love it. Can we add a fully function robot that sees to all household chores and cooks all meals leaving us time to write - because that's what I need at the moment. Actually, that's most likely what every woman needs.

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  2. Ha Penny, too funny;) And too true! Wouldn't we all like a gadget to get us through the insecurities and busyness of the writing caper. Thanks for making me smile. :)

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  3. What a laugh! How great a DASDAS would be. No more trips up the shop for chocolate, no more sending our family insane.

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  4. Oh, Penny...that was brilliant! Count me in on all of your gadgets!!! Thanks for making my day start with a chuckle and a serious reminder to keep MY husband sane!

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  5. Yep, Rose, I'll have two of those robots to do the housework please. One for everyday, the second for if the first breaks down! We just need to think up a corny name for it now...
    Dotti, Debbie and Margaret - glad you enjoyed the post. I was in a bit of a silly mood when I wrote it, trying to dodge all my insecurities. :)

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  6. Love your post, Penny. Once you've got those gadgets all sorted out, put me down for a dozen! :)

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  7. Very clever and humorous Penny, if only writing could be so easily sorted.

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  8. I love it Penny, you have such an awesome sense of humour. And yes, as writers we should all be concerned about the sanity of our husbands and wives! Bless you for making me laugh and reflect :)

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  9. I want a DASDAS for Christmas, thanks :)

    I'll put in an order for several headbands too.

    As for the Facadrobe, I was at an event with several SA writers recently at which I got dressed up in good clothes that rarely get worn and then realised I should have dressed down, as most of the other writers seemed to be going for the shabby, Bohemian, penniless-author sort of look. If only we had a gadget that gave us some sort of warning what to expect.

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  10. What an inventor you are Penny. When are you taking orders?

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  11. Can these do-dads be downloaded in digital form?

    Good work Penny! Keep those inventions coming.

    Meredith

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  12. Wow if only they would work, especially the grammar all checked for you.

    But was a friend said, you will make time to write even it is only 250 words a day. Or for me 1000 words....

    MEL

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  13. Thanks Penny! Sounds like you are moving fast and moving excellently in this gadget crazy world!I'll take a few of those please! :)
    Keep writing!
    blessings,
    Anusha

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  14. Thanks for all the orders, and comments!
    Meredith, I think the digital download idea is fantastic. I'll be sure to let everyone know once production is underway... :)
    Happy Writing (of the real, down to earth, hard slog, 10-1000 words a day, long time brewing, trusting God with all our inadequacies type) everyone!

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  15. A humorous slant on some serious issues; nicely done!

    I want some software that turns an over-laboured plot/plan into a manuscript. I've been thinking of creating a macro that inserts random conjunctions at random places; that might do the trick.

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  16. So, where can we buy these gadgets?????

    I've always thought it would be good to be able to clone myself, then I could sit at my computer in my pjs and write all day, while my clone does everything else!

    Thanks for a great laugh, Penny. :)

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  17. Love it!
    I'll put my order in now please.
    :)
    Xx

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  18. Great ideas Peter and Amanda!
    Michelle - :)

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