Thursday 19 November 2020

I think I have trust issues ...

 

Do you ever get anxious and stressed about your current work in progress? Do you become so discouraged you are scared to take the next step? If I'm honest, it's a battle I face with every book I write.

I went to a workshop on Friday night where I learned that our actions are a result of our thoughts which come from our beliefs. And if our beliefs are wrong deep down, we will have issues. The challenge was to acknowledge the old, dispute it, then, with God's help, put on the new.

So, I’ve been searching my heart and I've come to the conclusion my writing issue are actually trust issues.

I don’t trust myself. As I write a book, I find myself questioning my ability. I question my plotline and whether I’m really qualified to write about issues I’m dealing with. I’m worried I’m not going to pick up any grammatical errors as I never learned grammar at school and really, I’m just winging it. Which isn’t enough if you’re writing a book that a grammar expert may read. And then I question the way I represent God. Is it theologically correct? Would God really do that in this situation? What if I lead someone astray because of my own ignorance?

So I get others to read the manuscript. And I take on board a lot of their suggestions, but I also wonder if they have really picked up the issues that need fixing. Is it enough?

So then I send my book off to a professional editor and I look at the number of suggestions and red marks and my heart sinks. Whatever made me think I could write? But then I also find myself filtering every suggestion the editor makes. What if they haven’t really understood the heart of the story? What if the changes they are suggesting won’t work with the purpose of my story, or what if it’s just their own personal preference that I change some of the issues?

Then I make the changes, but I’m scared. What if the changes aren’t what the editor meant? What if I’ve actually made the book worse when I tried to fix the issue? What if the changes mean I left something important out and there’s now a plot hole that wasn’t there before?

So I get some of my beta readers and family to re-read the book, but what if they’re like me and they don’t pick up on new issues because they still have knowledge from the original version of the story in their head?

I send it off to the publisher, and then I think, ‘What if the publisher is just being kind, publishing this for me? What if it doesn’t sell and I end up being a liability for the publisher?’

So, if I don’t trust myself or others, what is my real issue?

If I dig deep down, I realise that my action of being stressed and anxious is because whether or not I realise it, I am telling myself that what I write has to be perfect. It has to please everybody.

My belief is that if it doesn’t please everybody, then it’s not good enough. That if I'm not perfect I'm not good enough. I’m believing that my writing is only of value if it will have a positive impact on everybody who reads it and that it is my responsibility to make this positive impact.

I am not trusting God to use my gifts in His way, for His purpose.

So then I look at Scripture and what I know of God. Does He need me to be perfect for Him to be glorified?

No. He knows I’m not and that’s why He died for me and for every other person. It is His Holy Spirit who convicts and changes people and provides all they need. I’m not supposed to be meeting the needs of all people alive. He does.

And does my value depend upon what other people think of me and my writing?

No. My value lies in the fact that God made me. That He loves me. That I am His child. That I am surrendering to Him and accepting His invitation to walk with Him day by day.

If I make a mistake, have I blown it? Is that the end?

No. A mistake is merely another invitation from Him to look up, to reach for His hand, to be forgiven and walk with Him as best I can. I can trust Him with the other people in my life and those who read my books.

So do I have to trust myself? Or others?

No. I'm not trustworthy. None of us are trustworthy. But God is. I need to trust that He will bring about His purpose. To surrender to the process of being transformed into His image. 

So now I know all this in my head, how do I live it? How do I allow the truths I've discovered to change the anxiety and discouragement I keep falling into?

Every time I feel discouragement or anxiety creeping in, I need to remember Him. To hear His invitation to engage with Him, to seek Him through every issue, through every doubt, through every moment of discouragement. I need to pour it all out to Him and ask for His wisdom and guidance.

And when I do this it’s amazing how peace comes and how the joy of writing returns. Because I’m writing with Him, hearing His whisper in my heart, seeing His hand in what I write. I am depending on the only One I can trust.

What I write will never be perfect. I’m not God. But I trust that He’s got me, that He delights in me using the creative gift He's given me ... and that is enough.

He is trustworthy.

What about you? Do you go through any of these issues as you write? I’d love to hear your thoughts. It's an issue I am still working through with God and I'm certainly not there yet!      


   


Jenny Glazebrook writes inspirational YA Christian fiction. She lives in the country of Gundagai with her husband Rob, four children and many pets. 

Jenny is the author of the Aussie Sky series and the Bateman Family novels (currently being published by Daughters of Love and Light, an imprint of Elephant House Press).

More details about Jenny's books can be found on her website: www.jennyglazebrook.com

 

22 comments:

  1. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing your heart and your own experience of writing so honestly here. I can certainly relate! Even in the final stages of my current novel, questions still come to me like 'Is this worth putting out there after all?', Will anyone relate to my characters?', 'Should I change at least part of the plot?' etc. But like you, I've found that, when those thoughts overwhelm, I need to stop, take a deep breath, sit back and refocus on God. Then I wait until I sense God's loving arms around me and God's Spirit rising up in me, strengthening and guiding and delighting in me as I try my best in my writing. And I think it helps too to see that what we do is our love gift to God--and hopefully to at least a few out there in the world whose hearts may be touched by our words and who may draw closer to God as a result.

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    1. Jo-Anne, you encourage me as always. Yes, I love that He delights in us and God used your book, 'Becoming Me' to re-affirm this to me in such a new and special way. And I love that our writing is our love gift to God. Beautifully said! I look forward to reading your new novel when it is released.

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  2. I hear you, Jenny. Maybe this is why I've baulked at writing the blurb for my book for so long - I have pages and pages of ideas, but do you think I can synthesise them into short and snappy marketing copy? Could it be I have trust issues over my marketing ability that need a divine makeover? If the shoe fits ...

    Thanks for your open and honest spirit and your candour about the trust issue and your most welcome advice. Our sense of self-confidence is sorely tried in this business which is loaded with opportunities to experience rejection (both real and imagined) even to the point where we're not only told to expect it, but to deal with it and learn from it and put our head in the noose again. And again. So we truly need a hide of braided steel and simple, childlike trust in God's ability and desire to guide and empower us and our writing (and our marketing). Thanks so much for your encouragement and wisdom.

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    1. I'm hearing you! Blurbs are one of the most difficult things to get just right (if that's possible). And marketing is certainly not one of my strong points. Unfortunately it seems we're expected to be both authors and marketers to be considered 'successful'. May God give you just the right words for your blurb - words you can be confident in and that will draw in all the people God wants to read your book!

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  3. So real and relatable as always, Jenny. I appreciate you and your honest heart.

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  4. Always love your sharing. As you work through your issue above you're doing 'sword fighting' (Ephesians 6:17). Taking every lie captive and comparing it to truth. I just published a book on this, as learning how to sword fight was such a major breakthrough for me.

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    1. Your book sounds excellent! I'm about to look it up. I know you will have a lot of valuable experiences/lessons to share, having been on the frontlines of battle in ministry.

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    2. It's now on my Koorong Christmas wishlist : )

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  5. Yes, I struggle with these thoughts at times as well. Love what you said about engaging with God through the process. So true - that’s where the peace comes from, that’s what enables us to keep going

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    1. Thanks for your honesty, Kaz. It's amazing how once we start to talk about it we realise so many of us are going through the same thing.

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  6. Man, this is so my own experience. I think all creatives struggle with this.

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    1. Yes, I've noticed it does seem to be a bigger struggle with creatives. We're good at thinking, but too good at over-thinking. I think it's got a lot to do with our active imaginations.

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  7. I went to a similar workshop a few years ago. I found it really helpful. These days if something is bothering me I simply ask God, what lie am I believing that's making me anxious, depressed or angry? And often God will bring the truth across my path.

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    1. I love that, Susan. A much more helpful way to deal with what's bothering us!

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  8. Jenny, I understand totally where you are coming from. I think most of us suffer from attacks where we worry and think it isn’t right, or good enough. I’ve learned that when I think I’ve written something well, I often get the opposite opinion. I trust God, but often not myself, and I realise I should have given it all to Him first. And it is an attack: the enemy loves tearing us and our confidence down, and he delights in attacking our reputations. Thank you for saying what I often hide deep down inside. And just as an aside....you might want to check the little bio with your pic. It says you’re from the country of Gundagai. I know there’s a demerger proposal on the table but....

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    1. Ha Ha, yes, I might be making Gundagai a bit more significant than it is. Thanks for that. I'll fix it in my future bio. And I agree, it is an attack from the enemy and it seems to hit harder when what we've written really is of God.

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  9. I enjoyed your post very much, Jenny. Perfection issues? Oh yes, I can relate. I find much encouragement by thinking about some of those characters in the bible that God used for His glory that were far from perfect. Think David, Saul (Paul), Moses, Gideon, Peter (just to mention a few). Not one was perfect yet God was able to use them effectively to further His purposes. It reminds me that if I am prayerful, faithful and obedient (and hard-working of course) I know God will use me and that is what I desire most.
    All the best with your writing.

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    1. Now this is the truth! Thanks Suzie. Yes, not one of them was perfect but God delighted in them and used them. That's such an encouragement.

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  10. Jenny, thank you, blessed me heaps to hear your honesty and your 'courage', yes courage. I am in the final stages of writing my first book, constantly I think "who will read this?"
    So thanks, I now have the courage to finish. Appreciate
    Wayne R Crockford

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    1. I'm so encouraged to hear this, Wayne. May you finish your book and may God use it beyond all you could ever have dreamed! Blessings!

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  11. Dear Jenny, you put in words what so many writers feel. This one, of course. Self-sabotage is so depleting and quickly blocks God's purpose for us to "bear much fruit." Thank you for your honesty in sharing. (I notice as I write that most of my comments on the CWDU blogs thank the author for their honesty. What a wonderful sharing site!)

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