By Jenny
Glazebrook
This is a
long post, but I wanted to share with you some of the amazing things God has
done in my life and my writing over the past few months in the hope that they
will encourage you.
God took my
vision so that I would see him again.
He slowed me
down so that I would hear his still, small voice and work with him to achieve
the supernatural, in his way, his time.
He showed me
again that writing is worship when I do it with him and that is when he brings
about supernatural ideas. He is my limitless inspiration. He is my strength, my
life.
Some of our rescue birds |
A little
over 3 months ago, I was beta reading, proof reading, and editing for other
people, trying to finish adding layers to one of my manuscripts due for
publishing in July, painting wardrobe doors for my daughter’s room, visiting my
dying grandfather and offering support for my mum who was caring for him, caring
for injured birds, taking groceries to fire-hit areas nearby and visiting those
affected, helping out at two local churches with kids’ talks, prayer and
messages, taking my children to appointments in our nearest city an hour away 2
to 3 times a week and trying to keep up with housework.
I wanted to
slow down but everything I was doing seemed so important.
God knew me.
He knew my heart. He knew I didn’t know how to stop. I’d been so driven for so
long that I couldn’t find the brake.
I woke up
Monday morning, 17th February, noticing my eyesight wasn’t right. There
was a kind of shimmering at the edge of my vision. I drove one of my daughters
to school and realised my eyesight was so bad I shouldn’t be driving. I had to
cancel everything I had on that day. And the next.
Over the next few days it
got worse. My GP sent me for a cat scan and to see the eye specialist in Wagga,
an hour away. We were so busy as a family that we had to ask a community care
driver to take me.
Me in hospital |
The eye
specialist determined my field of vision was very small but there was nothing visibly
wrong with my eyes so it was a neurological problem. She looked at the cat scan
results and said there were signs I’d had a stroke. I had to go straight to Emergency.
From there,
the stroke pathway emergency plan went into action. Blood tests, neurological
tests, MRI … and I felt completely alone and gripped by fear. Having type one
diabetes meant that it was more likely I’d had a stroke, even though I’m in my
early 40’s. My vision was like a kaleidoscope with bits missing and shapes
jumping all over the place. As I lay alone in the hospital bed that night attached
to heart monitors in the stroke ward, not knowing the future, I reached out my
hands, asking Jesus to just let me touch the hem of his garment. He was all I
had. My husband was working an hour and a half away and our local pastor was
looking after the children.
There was so
much time to think. I couldn’t see the TV. I couldn’t see my phone properly. I couldn’t
see out the window. I had nothing to distract me and keep my mind occupied.
And I
realised that this was very real – I might not have long left on earth as the
doctors were concerned another stroke was imminent. But in those long hours of
the dark night, it wasn’t my writing and all the ‘doing’ I was worried about. Foremost
in my mind were my husband and children. And my friends who don’t know Jesus. Suddenly
I saw what was important.
From there, I was delighted when my MRI came back showing what they’d seen on the cat scan wasn’t actually a
stroke and that my temperature was from an ear infection. They thought maybe I
had nerve damage causing the vision problems. After more tests and antibiotics I was
allowed home to see if my eyes would heal on their own. At that point I was
just thrilled I hadn’t had a stroke.
My children decorated patches for my eyes. |
But my eyes
didn’t get better. They got worse. And I got weaker. I hoped and prayed but there
was no change. The neurologist diagnosed me with an auto immune condition called myasthenia
gravis which was stopping my eyes focusing together. He put me on medication which
allowed me to see for a few hours at a time each day. He said my symptoms and the
fact that the medication helped, proved I had the condition.
Throughout
this time, I was forced to stop. I couldn’t do much at all. I could see better
with one eye covered, but my depth perception wasn’t good and I was so tired
and weak all the time. My kids would come and sit on my bed as I lay there, and
they’d talk about anything and everything. I enjoyed talking with them. And I
would reach out to God. And I would plot my novel and think about adding more layers.
I could see the computer screen for short periods at a time with one eye
covered so I wrote while I could in the mornings before the myasthenia fatigue
overtook me.
And if I’m
honest, it was a relief to have a reason to say ‘no’ to all that people asked
of me and to not feel guilty about it.
In this
time, everything else also slowed down drastically due to Covid 19. Schools closing meant the kids were home. I learned
to just be. To listen. To have my spiritual eyes and ears opened while I couldn’t
see the world around me. Often we just talked, my husband and children and I. We
cancelled appointments and my husband, Rob, stepped in, slowing down his own
work to do everything that needed doing.
My eyes kept
getting worse. I wasn’t getting better. The neurologist said he wanted to look
into stronger medication plus the option of major surgery or having protein
infusions in hospital 3 days each month.
I felt this
wasn’t what God wanted. He had been showing me I needed to be here for my children
and being in hospital wasn’t being here for them. One had even commented that
he liked that I had slowed down and was just ‘there’ for them. And so I prayed
again, desperately, for healing.
The neurologist wrote a script for stronger
medication.
But for the first time I felt God’s whisper in my
spirit that he wanted to heal, and so I said to the neurologist, ‘I don’t know if
I’m in denial, but I just can’t believe I have myasthenia. Before we arrange
new treatment, can I go off my medication for 3 days and just see what
happens?’
He agreed but said that my eyesight would deteriorate to the point it was
before medication (missing gaps of vision, unable to focus both eyes, double
vision and dizziness). And once that happened, we’d start the treatment.
So on Wednesday
morning, 13 May, 3 months after I’d first lost my vision, I stopped my
medication and asked my friends and family to pray for healing.
The
next morning, I woke up fully able to see. I mean, complete vision. And for the
first time in 3 months, my vision stayed for the whole day.
And the next. And
the next.
My Pop who passed away 14th May, 2020 |
It was a beautiful and difficult time, because that same day my Pop went to meet Jesus. But in it I could see beauty and know and see God's presence and goodness more than ever before. I could truly see in every way possible!
The neurologist can’t
explain what happened. He says he doesn’t need to see me anymore (kind of ironic, that now
I would actually be able to see him, he doesn’t want to see me.) The eye specialist
said, ‘You must be possessed or something.’ I just laughed, but in my heart I know
I am filled with the Holy Spirit and God miraculously healed me.
I’ve
now had my vision for over 2 weeks and it’s still like looking at a new world.
I keep looking around, checking I can still see, just making sure. It feels
surreal. I understand if you have trouble believing it, because it’s happened
to ME and I’m still trying to believe it. And It's a beautiful world. I see God
in it. In the faces of my children, in the love of my husband, in the beauty of
the birds we care for, beauty despite their injuries.
And
I see beauty in being able to say ‘no’ to all the things this world says I must
do.
At first I found
myself searching for medical reasons for why I can now see again, but then I realise
it is futile because this really is God. I asked for a miracle and he gave one.
Why is that so hard to believe?
There are no
answers as to why. Except that God, in his mercy, chose to heal me.
Me with my family just before God restored my vision. |
There are other
medical conditions in my life God has chosen not to heal. But I believe with
all my heart that if it is for my good, he heals. Just to show he is real, he
is all-powerful and he delights in every one of us he created. And sometimes,
he allows us to suffer the results of this fallen world to remind us we need
him and that he is our true strength when we are willing to call out to him.
I believe this was
all about God getting my attention; reminding me to slow down, to breathe, to
dim my physical vision so I’d focus on my spiritual vision and hear his voice
again amidst the craziness of life.
Book due out July |
Since
that day in February when I lost my vision, I have completed two 90,000 word
novels and am onto my third. As I write, it feels like worship. I am fully
alive, seeing, hearing God in every word and every new idea. If I had not lost
my vision, I would not have had this depth of knowledge of the wonder of God
and I would still be crazily trying to ‘do’ all the things I ‘should’ in this
world. I would not have had the time or
head space to write and develop ideas.
I’m
wondering if, for each of us writers, maybe that’s what this Covid 19 is about,
too? Reminding us to slow down, to remember to listen to our hearts; listen to
God! If we look for him, we will find him!
“You will seek me
and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
He is the God of miracles who
heals the blind, restoring their sight and even more importantly, opening their spiritual eyes.
My prayer is that each of us
will take the time to hear and see him and to enjoy writing with him. And may
we not only see his hand, but see his face! May our vision in 2020 be 20/20
spiritual vision!
P.S. Guess what I’m currently writing into book 4 of my Bateman
Family novels? Yes, a girl who loses her vision. And I can write with so much
more depth and empathy because I’ve been there! As God’s writers, nothing is
wasted. No tear, no struggle, no night alone in the dark … He is here, working
it all for our good and drawing us back to himself.
Jenny Glazebrook writes inspirational YA
Christian fiction. She lives in the country town of Gundagai with her husband
Rob, four children and many pets.
Jenny is the author of the Aussie Sky series
and the Bateman Family novels (currently being published by Daughters of Love and Light, an imprint of Elephant House Press).
More details about Jenny's books can be
found on her website: www.jennyglazebrook.com
So good to read, Jenny. May God continue to watch over you and protect you and keep you in that place of peace and rest as you continue to write and care for your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jo-Anne. And yes, I know it would be all too easy to go back to the way things were before which would be such a tragedy and a waste. May God show us all how to keep our eyes on him!
ReplyDeleteBrought tears to my eyes, Jenny! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I wholeheartedly agree that nothing in God is wasted! And we need to slow down at times to find rest and restoration in every area of our being! May God continue to bless you and keep you well. May you continue to find peace as you write following His direction for your life!
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, Lesley and for your encouraging words. Each day is definitely more fulfilling when I take the time to share it and walk it with God!
DeleteIt is wonderful to read of God's power and mercy. He has unique ways of leading us. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteIt was a joy to share, Hazel. And yes, God rarely does things the way we expect or want, but I know his way is so much better than mine. I love the way he shows his power and mercy! Thank you for commenting.
DeleteWow Jenny, what a powerful testimony of God's healing power. Thanks for sharing the struggles and the lessons learned. I think the COVID-19 restrictions have caused many of us to stop and think about what's most important. So glad to hear how it's impacting your writing, which in turn will be a great blessing to others.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Nola. As much as I don't like Covid 19, I agree that God is using it for good. I hope you've been able to have time to write, too. I'm looking forward to your book ... and I LOVE the cover!
DeleteJenny, thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal story. How hard it seems for us to slow down these days, such that it takes something monumental to get our attention at times. Appreciate your valuable insights from what would be a frightening experience, and yet with such grace you embraced the lessons and possibilities this challenge brought to you and your family. Really great news to know your vision has been restored.
ReplyDelete