Many argue that humankind’s greatest spiritual challenge is aligning
the will with that of the Great I Am, a striving depicted by St John of the
Cross in his ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. This
spiritual struggle involves a depth of despair many modern Christians prefer to
ignore, lest it threaten their comfortable existences. They prefer, instead, to
instruct their careworn brethren to hand everything to God and wait for their
lives to ‘work out.’ Proper faith, sufficient repentance and an uncanny knack
for knowing exactly what’s in the mind of the Creator, they say, lead us
unerringly to abundant living.
I disagree. There are
Christians whose lives appear to be charmed; they enter their middle years with
secure marriages, fat bank accounts and the freedom to travel, invest, and
indulge their whims to their healthy heart’s content. I cannot be counted among
their number.
For decades I blamed myself for my lack – for not ‘hearing’
God correctly despite dedication
to His Word. I sought pastoral counseling, prayer warriors, Christian
literature and of course, scripture itself. My first thoughts, before opening
my eyes each morning, have long been directed to my Father, and before those
eyes open I ask Him to direct my steps.
It has not, nor has it ever,
prevented any injustice, illness or abuse from infiltrating my being.
A brief synopsis of my adult experience includes sexual
abuse, abandonment by my children’s father, single parenting without support
and, twenty years ago, contracting a debilitating, life-limiting illness that
remains with me today. I’ve also suffered verbal and emotional abuse at the
hands of an intimate partner, abuse so sadistic that my psychologist describes
it as a spiritual crime. I am left now, to face my golden years in poverty and
pain.
But don’t grab the tissue box just yet because, frankly, I
feel great.
And that, is surely the
abundant life scripture promises. Christ came so that we might have life, and
have it abundantly. Money is dead. Possessions are dead. Only the human spirit
is truly alive.
The breakdown of my
marriage, which lasted from 2011 until 2013, heralded my spiritual turning point.
From the outset, I laid my pain before God, never doubting He was ‘for’ marriage and ‘against’ divorce. I trusted Him to guide me towards reconciliation. I repented of every
mistake and mis-communication. I begged for guidance and
wisdom, and followed His leading to the best of my ability. Honesty
and authenticity were integral to my actions. Deceit and manipulation seemed integral
to the other party, a man I believed once loved me. I was absolutely certain the Truth would set me free; the Truth would
out; the Truth would bring justice to bear.
It did not.
I raged. I told God I was through with Him. I called Him a
flawed, gnostic demi-god and accused Him of abandonment. In a logical, worldly
sense, He did abandon me. Decades of devotion had led me to naught. Liars and
manipulators, I concluded, were the real winners in life. I was nothing but a mug. I dug my heels in and resolutely refused to give God
another moment of my time. After
all, how much worse could things get?
Weeks slid by. Nothing got worse. Nothing got better.
I wasn't grieving exactly, nor genuinely depressed.
Just…empty. Lonely. Terribly lonely. Unfulfilled.
Inspiration and creativity deserted me. I was cold. I had no compass for my
life’s direction. Life became interminable nothingness.
This…was my dark
night.
All the success in the world would never bring light to my
soul.
I began, tentatively, to test the waters. Are you still there God? Like a small
child, I clung to The Lord’s Prayer, saying it over and over. It was a divine
anxiolytic, and from those small steps, I came back to the foot of the Cross.
And so I do not believe in a prosperity gospel; rather, that
the treasures God gives us can't be measured by outer
circumstances.
I am grateful for my dark night, and yet…a little fearful
too. According to St John, there may be more dark nights to come. I hope I
recognize them.
Mother and grandmother, writer concerned with social justice, equality for all; environmentalist who believes we are stewards of the earth, not controllers; follower of Jesus who prefers to think of herself as a Christianarchist.
